When a hurt individual has a baby, what chance does the child have at normalcy?
I had my first child at the age of 19. I was young and felt like the ugly duckling. I felt unlovable, unwanted, and disliked. I didn't understand why because I liked me, and i felt that others could find a lot of value in me if they only gave me a chance.
However, in my world, no one was willing to give me that chance.
When this man showed interest, I just knew that God was giving me that one man who was created just for me. And I gave him what he asked for because I figured that God sent him, so of course love would be part of the relationship. However, the more intimate times we spent together the less relational time we experienced with one another. The fairy-tale did not come true; the real world did not match my irrational expectations.
Three months later, I learned I was pregnant with my first child. Now, this was a very difficult time for me. Due to my misconceptions and beliefs in fairy-tales, I was broken, confused, and lost. I did not know what to believe or what to do. I kept the baby, and tried very hard to figure myself and my new world out.
Nonetheless, the more I tried to fix me and my situation the more disturbed and broken I became. My pain and confusion increased as well as the number of children I birthed into this world.
I read a lot of Christian Self-help books. I put a lot of the advice into action within my life. However, I could not get away from my disturbance, my void, my ache. I could not understand how the help I was receiving was not helping. I began asking the women around me for advice. Yet, the more advice I received the more the Word seemed to contradict itself:
"Be still and Know that I am God."
"Take one step, and He will take two."
"Ask and you shall receive."
"Wait on the Lord."
Okay . . .
Which am I supposed to do?
By this time, I was a disturbed mother of three who put her children in the worst possible situations while I tried to learn how to get on the right path.
Finally, I decided to open the Bible and read it for myself.
The More I Read the Word,
The More I Studied the Word,
The More I Talked Directly to Jesus,
The More I Understood My Wounds,
and The More I Received Counseling, Guidance, and Healing From the One True Being Who Could Ever Totally Receive Me.
I am still a bit disturbed; however, I am in constant therapy with the Lord Almighty. Even though I have discovered the disturbances within myself, I am now receiving direction on how to help my children cope and correct the disturbances I created within their psyche.
My pain and confusion has affected my children. I can see the problems within them and pinpoint some of the bad decisions I made that has caused them their pain and unrealistic expectations along with unrealistic views on life.
A Disturbed Parent Created a Disturbed Child
Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word....It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. Psalm 119: 67 and 71
My name is Margaret McDowell, and I am with For EverLasting Revelation. A nonprofit organization that aims to journey with women through motherhood with God and purpose. I am not a Biblical scholar, but I am an experienced sinner who seeks God for love, guidance, and mercy.