Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city (Proverbs 16:32 NIV).
There are times when I do not feel like myself.
To be honest, there was a period of seven maybe eight years where I just did not know who I was or who I was becoming. I had three small children and the relationships with the two dads were not what I expected.
I expected to fall in love, get married, and be the best wife and mother anyone ever imagined.
My life was not a happy dream.
I was a single mother of three children.
Where am I? Whose life am I living?
This is not what I asked for?!
I deserve much better than this!!!
God where are you? How could you allow this? You did not give this life to her, or her, or even her,
and I know I am better than her!
Those were my thoughts for the first three years.
Then, my thoughts became an inward journey of all the ways I was wrong and did not belong.
Finally, I woke up and realized my life was not over; I can make a change to gain what I truly deserve. The change required me to take a long honest look at myself and the mother I was being to my children.
Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming... (Proverbs 27:4 NIV).
Through this experience, I learned that I was not a mother. I was an angry woman who screamed and mistreated the little ones I loved more than myself.
I learned that I was ANGRY. I was too angry to be my best, too angry to live or have my dream.
I was too angry to deserve God's best.
I needed to heal, to love myself, and to forgive my past. Not just the past of creating my children but the past of my childhood. I had to forgive and build my relationship with the one who I always knew was with me.
I knew God was my God. I knew He loved me. I did not have a growing relationship with God because I was too bust trying to build my relationship and future with humans.
It was the pursuit of happiness outside of a relationship with God that led to my anger.
First, I wanted to build strong bond with my mother. Then, I wanted to build a strong relationship with my father. Next, I tried to build a family with a man.
All of my efforts ended in shame, harsh realities, and pain.
I needed God.
I needed to build a relationship with my Heavenly mother, father, and husband. Once i began walking this path, my anger turned to joy, peace, and love.
If you find yourself aggravated by your children asking for something to eat, making a mess, asking for you to talk to them, having homework, or getting sick, you may need to check your heart.
Are you angry at the child or yourself? Are you angry at the child or your past?
Are you angry?
A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control (Proverbs 29:11 NIV).
Stop and Pray.
Pray for your healing. Pray for your protection. Pray for your Savior to replace the pain and anger with His love and peace.
I thank you for this day, and I thank you for this life. Even though my lives are not what we envisioned or planned, I know it is a blessing. Shower me with the love and acceptance I need to embrace the journey you have given me. Take away the anger and pain that I feel and replace it with your everlasting peace and forgive me. Heavenly Father, free me from anger, and guide me towards my happily ever after. You are the Almighty God who can do all things. I thank you for loving, protecting, and healing me.
In Jesus Name We Pray,
My name is Margaret McDowell, and I am with For EverLasting Revelation. A nonprofit organization that aims to journey with women through motherhood with God and purpose. I am not a Biblical scholar, but I am an experienced sinner who seeks God for love, guidance, and mercy.